pain is the pathway

in Christ, the worst thing that suffering can do to me is make me more tender toward God, others, and myself.

It’s been a while, but not because I have been going through a particularly “difficult” time. I mean, not more than anyone else I suppose. I am grieving the current presidency, sudden policy experts online, sick family members, and dogs that run through poop and then try to rush back in the house. I get too many tension headaches, apparently I grind my teeth in my sleep, so I need a mouth guard. My calf muscles are sore because of the gym, and I get anxious when I think about how much I spend. The usual. Yet somehow, despite these very real, inconsistent, pestering experiences, I have been so enamored by the beauty, goodness, and nearness of the Lord. I mean it’s like I have fallen in love with Him all over again. It’s almost making me ask, “Wow…when have I ever felt like this?” I have realized that as I get older (if my 28th birthday counts as “old”) that my burden, blessings, and my lot is the ordinary.

My Lot is The Ordinary

The goodness of God in my life looks like daily chores, *new* bills, 7-5pm work, and local church deliciousness. It looks like hard conversations about medicine, intimacy, trauma, sin, and shame. It looks like silence from God in areas I wish he’d speak in and obvious signs from him in areas I wish he didn’t. I get to wake up early, eyes crusty and blurry, having to let my dog out into the bitter cold— days old snow peppering the icy ground; this is holy ground for me. My sudden, yet far from unfamiliar, burden for ordinariness has been intimately joined together with a level of suffering in my life that I only imagine will intensify as I continue to walk with the Lord, but I am not afraid of it.

You know when we’re like, “God, I don’t wanna be purified by fire”? I think I am slowly beginning to rescind that mindset; I am still in the beginning stages for sure, but I am in this stage nonetheless. I don’t know why this is the case; except… I maybe have an idea.

The worst thing that suffering can do to me is make me more tender.

“So, you want to suffer? You masochist. That’s what’s made you become a lover of the mundane?” Not necessarily; except, sort of. I’ve come to realize that the deepest pain I could ever feel will never compare to the unimaginable pain endured by Jesus on the cross. I believe that because of Jesus’ sacrifice, in Christ, the only effect that pain can and will have on me is that it will me tender toward God, others, and myself; this belief eclipses my fears I have toward suffering. In Christ, I will never feel the full brunt of pain that sin brings. Jesus’ sacrifice ensures that whatever suffering I may endure—whatever anxiety, fear, or anger that engulfs me— will simply make me hope more and celebrate the gift of daily, boring, ordinary life with God. I mean, think about it…isn’t this why the Apostles and ‘nem are always telling us to endure…run the race…don’t lose hope…”All things are working together.” It’s true!

The pain of sickness makes me hopeful for a redeemed body in Paradise. The grief I feel in heartbreak reminds me that my heart was not meant to break and one day it won’t anymore. The fury I experience when I see injustice does not blind me to the reality that God is and will continue to reign down justice from and in heaven. My dissatisfaction with work that is not done with integral is my radar that gives my groans a proper target. This makes me feel safe enough, dare I say, excited, to feel the hardest, scariest emotions that life may bring. I want to be so human in Christ, that I can feel anger, fear, sadness, love, and anxiety and remember that God is using all of these human experiences of suffering as the dressing room that preps me for our big Day together. His return.

I am being sanctified. I am getting dressed.

Pain is the Pathway

From a young age, I would always have thoughts like, “maybe I am meant to suffer.” It was pitiful because I didn’t know Jesus, and I didn’t know he loved me. Now…I do believe I am meant to suffer. We will suffer. However, I now know am not experiencing the full brunt of suffering because of what Jesus has already done for me, and for that I will thank and praise Jesus. I will celebrate my life when things go wrong because, yes, it could be so much worse. I could be far from God, but you’re telling me I am suffering WITH God? Sign me up. He’s with me. All the time. I am able to enjoy boring things because of pain. I am able to enjoy my pre-work morning yogurt and Parks&Rec re-run binge with my dog because I have experienced the pain of my GAD rumbling my stomach, stopping my appetite. I am able to enjoy the goodness of local church community because I have experienced the pain of self-isolation. I am tender now.

In Christ, and like Christ, I am tender now because of pain. I thank God.